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Wednesday, November 02, 2005

I Had To Break Down

November is upon us and I feel like my blog had turned into a mini-Entertainment Weekly blog for all people obsessed with Prison Break, Veronica Mars and Gilmore Girls.

For that, I partially apologize. I am, after all, obsessed with said shows and I could not contain my excitement for things I cannot watch when I am at work.

But I digress.

Some people say the blog is there to purge out thoughts that I, the writer, would like you to stop and think about the moment you reach the bottom of the page.

Well, I guess I haven't done that recently and I blame myself for that oversight.

Jackie had already beaten me to the punch when tackling this issue but I would like to supplement her throughts in regards to time and its constraints.

Although I am not a Woody Allen fan, his thoughts on the matter reflect what I do feel: "Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once."

Ever since school started this semester, I do feel like I am in a constant collision course with myself. I think I am going to implode. I hate it. I hate the fact that I feel guilty for throwing myself into work and school with as much gusto as if I were young and single again.

I hate the fact that no one seems to understand this plight other than Nilly, who's also tacking a full-time job and school to boot.

In the past 3 months, I've missed talking to Chicken Scratch, dodged many a conversation with my mom and skipped out on talks with dad.

It's not that I hate them. Far from it. But I feel like everyone wants my time and for once, I want to claim serenity for myself! I don't want to talk about gossips regarding my relatives. I really could care less if my mom lapses into her state of hypochondria. I could not give a second thought on my dad giving me his "pity me" routine. Thank God Chicken Scratch understands this in a way. But he's the good child for now. He talks to mom weekly.

I, on the other hand, am the devil incarnate; the ingrate of a daughter. The one that has abandoned all things with familiarity.

And apparently, my eggs.

Here's a snippet of a conversation with my folks (translation: mom):

Ma: How's school?
Me: Fine.
Ma: How's Michael?
Me: Fine.
Ma; Do you still go to church?
Me: When I get up early enough.
Ma: Oh, so when are you having kids? You know, so and so is pregnant again...

And then I tune her out.

The concept of having kids is one that I've tackled with my parents for quite a while now. Apparently, Nilly and I aren't Newlyweds anymore and aren't getting younger by the moment. No duh. This is one conversation that still leave me in tears when I am often told, "You're not trying hard enough."

How would they know? Just because fifteen-year old Suzy can pop a kid means that it would be that easy for me to do so. But it isn't.

I've spoken to the doctors about it. I've spoken to Nilly about it. I still read stuff in regards to pregnancy and still, no such luck. I am not just talking about the simple "Put Tab A in Slot B" situation. There's more to it than meets the eye. Anyone who had gone through fertility treatments know about it. And thus, we become a lot of haters for all those that could pop a kid without batting an eyelash.

And sometimes, I just want to lash out and say, "Well, I definitely won't have the Immaculate Conception even if I attended each and every Church Service."

Effers.

So what happens when I get pissy? I clean. Yes, unless you want to be swept on to the dustpan and out the door, stay away.

I also wallow.

Which then turns out to be a bad way of spending time wisely.

In three months, I've almost come to the conclusion in writing MNT (the second to the last chappie is in the hands of Amy), which I planned on finishing in August but had no time to do so since I had to do much overtime at work, finished a book review, taken 4 exams, had numerous dissertations with my professors and superiors, read at least 2 centuries of US History, dissected at least six philosophers' thoughts on life with students ten years my junior and have never left Podunk. I've worked overtime, went to a bridal shower, a wedding and a baby shower. I've slept an average of five hours a day, sometimes including the weekend. I watch my pretaped shows while doing laundry, ironing, vacuuming, or changing bed sheets.

Once in the three months have I completed a book that was not class related. I felt guilty. Guilty because I could've used the time to read another chapter on FDR and his alphabet cabinet or read what Kant has to say about life. I could've returned correspondence with people who wrote me a month ago or actually enjoy the sunlight and run on the streets rather than the treadmill at the gym. (By the way, my knee still hurts and I think the right one's going, too!)

As soon as this is posted, I will head on out once again to run errands and head on to class. Then work. The cycle repeats itself until Friday with the 'change' on Tuesdays and Thursdays where I still tune the world out with "Freak on A Leash" on my iPod.

I have no life. I feel guilty when I get one.

Anyone want a drink?

3 comments:

Camilla said...

Poor you, all this stuff going on? You definitely need time for yourself, hun. Stress is so far from good, I know because I get ill when I'm under stress. I definitely feel that my life is sooo more boring. You say you don't have a life? At least you have friends and so on you can visit on your free time instead of sitting at home with nobody to talk to! ;) LOL I would cherish that, if I were you. But at the same time, all the things you've done the past semester is more than I do a year, I think? LOL Yep, that should tell you how boring my life can get! ;D But at the same time, I'm lucky to have my friends on the net, if only some of you lived closer to me? :P Well, I'll live.

So you have sent off the last part of the last chapter to Amy? WOW, I can't wait to read it, but at the same time.. the sooner it gets there, the sooner it'll be over and I'm not ready for that just yet! ;) You deserve applauses for your hard work on that story, hun. I owe you big for giving so much time and effort into it. *hugs*

~ Camilla

ames said...

M!

You make me want to come out there and help you do stuff, to give you loads of free time to gaze lovingly into Nnilly's eyes and forget about the other crap for a while. God knows you deserve it. I can't even imagine having my mom on me like that. As if it'd be helping.

I still have MNT in my possession... *looks guilty* I was too busy yesterday and today to get to it before work... but maybe tonight. i've been sleeping lots trying to get rid of this infection, but it's not shaking yet. I have tomorrow off--and I'm all yours.

Here's to hoping you get at least a worry-free coffee break. . . and some general fun downtime.

love and hugs,

ames

jackie said...

M!

Sometime you just have to take a breath, and just stop. Stop trying to live up to other people's deadlines and expectations. You my dear friend, are the type of person who wants to do all and be everywhere for everyone. But in the process of helping others you tend to forget yourself. This is just what I think, but hey I could be wrong.

There is no reason to feel guilty when you take a moment for yourself. I understand the pressure of college, I can only imagine the added pressure you feel of working full-time, I only worked part-time, and then being married on top of that. I'm glad that you have Nill-ster to lean on and to comisserate with.

In regard to your fam, the good thing about family...they will always be there. In the end all you have is family, and family takes care of their own. The amount of pride you mother will have when you graduate, will far surpass the number of calls you dodged, or didn't pay attention to. I recall our convo, and just know that I'll light that candle and shoot one up to the big man, asking for some help with the egg situation.

Love ya and don't you forget it,
Jacks