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Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Scar Tissue

Last night was the final evening of the winter holidays. Nilly and I took down the ornaments from the Christmas tree and packed them away, not to be seen again for another 11 months.

It was kinda sad, you know? All that sits on our living room carpet is a beautiful Douglas Fir Tree, ready to be dried and be shredded for mulch.

I find a sentimentality that is attached to things like this. I akin it to life, its purpose and meeting its end.

I was looking through an old journal of mine and skimmed through the pages. This, I can tell you, is not a good thing to do when you are melancholic (or hungry). You tend to be more critical of the younger you, of all the decisions you've made and what you did to come up with that conclusion.

I snorted. I laughed. I cried.

The retrospect was funny, and I few I commented with "what were you thinking?" but then at my current age, would I have made the same mistakes if I didn't go through them then?

One of my good friends (who just happens to be mentioned in said journal being perused) emailed me today to let me know he got a girl pregnant and he's contemplating on asking her for her hand in marriage. I was astounded not because he's doing the 'dutiful' deed but because he thinks this is what is proper given the circumstances that the first time they had sex, he got her pregnant.

If I were the girl, is that what I would've wanted?

He asked me for guidance. I am tongue-tied. I cannot even prove to this point that I can procreate. What about giving advice to someone who is apparently very fertile?

Although it's a blow to hear how a nice guy is pinned to this situation, I responded with the "if you love her and she feels the same about you, then do it. Just don't get married for the sake of the child."

I hope I served my purpose by giving him sound direction.

Just maybe I wouldn't have to second-guess myself and pick on the scab just to check if the wound's healing well.


DeAnn said...

Now there is a lot of heavy stuff to start my day.

Thanks a lot!!

(I'm teasing, of course.)

The holidays have a way of bringing out the melancholy, don't they?

Good luck to your friend. I hope whatever happens, everyone is happy.

Katherine said...

You definately gave him good advice. One of the worst things you can do is get married for the wrong reasons. I have a friend who's parents got married for the exact same one as your friend is contemplating (Not her, her brother) and after 17 years stuck in a miserable marriage, which affected not only them, but their children, who they got married for in the first place, they got a very messy divorce that took over 3 years to finalize.

In this day and age, with all the different types of families out there, why get married to someone you don't love? Being married to someone doesn't make you a better parent. Being active in your child's life, being there for the good moments and the bad, and loving your kid is what makes you a good parent. Marriage and Parenthood don't have to go hand in hand. He can always move forward later, if they both find out that they want to be together, that they want to be a family because they love each other, but marriage is a lifetime commitment, or it should be, in my eyes at least. And you shouldn't take it lightly. It'd be worse if he did, most likely.

And it's definately not flattering to get a marriage proposal because you are with child. And does she have a store called 'It's Not Too Late' near her? Because it's very hard to be showing and look good in a wedding dress. I've seen brides that try, and it's not a good look for many women. Some can pull it off. But most? Nope.

And don't worry. Everything happens when it's supposed to. And children come when they want to, not when the parents do. And you'll definately understand that sort of time table when you are two weeks overdue. Because it will happen. Promise. Even if I have to change my major to premed to make it happen.


ames said...

K saved me from a long spiel. I totally back what you said. We can all learn a lesson from Mary, my increasingly pregnant friend, who told her boyfriend, "If you want to be around for this, great, but if you're not supportive you CAN and WILL be replaced." She also informed him, upon his half-hearted asking if they should get married, that the situation they are now in has no bearing on the fact that they two of them, as it stood we're ready to get married before the stick turned pink (Or yelled pregnant, whatever it does), so they were in no such state currently.

Way to be older and wiser ;)